My intangible lover

What is it about music that just makes you feel so fucking good? I sleep to it and wake up to it.  I listen to it throughout my day.  It's constantly in my ear and to be honest, I wish I had the ability to thank it properly.  I love you music.  You have been there for me during my break ups, my losses, the times I was on drugs,  and then when I came off of them.  You have soothed me when I had anxiety,  you lifted me when I was down.  I consider you a friend of the most special sort.

Thank you music. I appreciate you in your entirety.

Seriously, check my iPad. If there is a part of you I havent touched upon just let me know.

It will be added and appreciated.

40 years in the desert.

I love being able to say I had a good day because I accomplished greatness. 

Is that selfish?

Does that mean I am speaking of myself?  I know I do it a lot.  I brag and thats horrid.. I know I should stop it but I am a special kind of awesome and people need to know.

See, there I go again.

Let's shelve that and speak on people I love instead.

My rock aka my mommy. 

She dotes and is incredibly good at it. 

Annoyingly so.

Kina my bestfriend whom knows more about me than anyone.

I want to hug her.

Bob whom is fated to accept my seed.

The monster and max.

Max standing up before meeting his first birthday.

Mia saying sorry in the cutest form EVER and getting away with murder when she fucks up.

See here I was about to talk about the most important people in my life and all I could think of was the staccato form of my writing.

What kind of narcissist am I?

Can narcissim be limited to pen on paper?  I don't know.. i love my friends and family.. as does my checking account, but good lord.  It's all about me, me, me.. isn't it?

I am there for my friends. I am good at that. I would bleed or die for them yet my focus in inner thought tends to be limited to my trials and tribulations.

HAHAHAHA.. like im fucking Moses.

I am not.

I should seek help.

This

is

not

natural.

I'm back?

The following is probably going to miss a few "Y"'s.

Damn my keyboard.


I love new relationships and what they entail.  I adore friendships and what they continue to bring to me.  A good friendship is like the herpes of good feelings.  Just when you thought it was gone.. poof!  It's back.  It's the gift that keeps on giving and i love it.  I love Kina.  I love Bob.  I love sobriety.  I love my new relationship.

I don't really have a theme or topic for this rant but I felt the need to write so here I am. Have you ever felt that way? Not horny but you fap anyways?  Me too.

Duck.. i'm a sharpshooter and I aim for the eyes.

So lalalalala.. hahaha.. i'm going to reflect on this and curse myself for it.  This text makes no sense yet here i sit writing away.

Who am I kidding.. this isnt worth putting up on the blog i so neglect.. it will be an errant thought for a few minutes and then forgotten forever.  I am ok with that.  I enjoy the fact that juices other then the man kind got flowing. I still sit scared to make my words public.. but..  I mentioned this to someone so who knows?  It may be placed tomorrow or even the next day.  Doubtful.


So, for today, i sit here, wishing i had courage.

Meine Oma Elfriede

I remember raspberry bushes in her garden.  Sitting at the side of a long row of bushes picking them one by one and swallowing them without abandon.

Did I wash them?  Fuck no.  They were organic, minus pesticides, and attached to a bush that belonged to my Oma's garden.

I chowed the fuck down.

I don't know why I put that part in.  It was just a fond memory I had of being in Germany and at my Oma's house.

She IS a savage.  In the best representation of the term.  She lived through a war, Hitler, interracial relationships for her daughter in the 70's, an alcoholic brother and his subsequent alzheimers.

Yet she always kissed me.  Every night.

Family is ridiculosly important she would say. I took that feeling from her and still hold onto it this day.

Who cares that her idea of family time is boring as fuck.  2hrs every night just talking about your day after a meal was important to her.  Her thought of family and friends is an interpration that I adapted to how I treat mine to this day.

Do NOT get me started on her recipes and her personality.

Her recipes. Her snide comments. Her need to gossip about other people in the family.  The year I didnt speak with my mother and her bringing my mum and I together.

My Oma.

She hasn't been my only Oma.  But as far as I am concerned.

She is the only one who, to me, counts more than my breath.

Ich habe dich so lieb, meine Oma

Meet Phillip

I stepped into a bar the other night...  a random one that I fell upon because I fell asleep on the train and overshot my stop.,,  I only went in to use the phone.  If you are reading this blog you know how I feel about cellphones.  Fuck them.

It was a country bar.  Oh the hilarity.. but i'm like a chameleon.  I totally fit in.

So here I am a lone negro, (YokoNegro),  in a country bar full of people with shit kickers on and wearing cowboy hats made of..  and I shit you not..  recycled Coors light 12pk cartons.

I only stopped to use the phone yet for some odd masochistic reason..  I felt the need to stay,  listen to shitty music,  watch pretty white bitches who CANNOT dance hop around,  and torment my ulcer with a beer.

I grinned the whole time.

The things I do for my blog.

I'm immature

Now don't get me wrong..  I know I am.. in most things.. I laugh at poop humor and love push-pops..  but I'm a decent enough fella...  I'm the sort to not hold back from giving an apology when one is deserved or to even acquiesce one when it isn't.

I'm "that" guy.

That being said..  allow me to offer you a recent series of events that happened in my life.. in their most base form.

Boy meets Girl
Boy likes Girl
Girl likes Boy
Girl lies to Boy
Boy is upset
Girl gives promise to Boy
Boy forgives Girl
Boy again likes Girl
Girl again lies to Boy
Boy again becomes upset
Girl pleads with Boy
Girl gives promises to Boy
Boy forgives Girl
Boy loves Girl
Girl ONCE AGAIN lies to Boy
Boy begins to notice the pattern
Boy walks away from Girl
Girl pleads with Boy
Boy isn't having it anymore
Girl says to Boy;

"You are being pretty immature. I have apologized over and over again. I said I'd do anything to gain your trust again. But you just want to be stubborn and give up on us.. You claimed to love me. Well, I don't think you ever loved me... Not if you could put me down so easily."

Boy sure could use a Push Pop now.

I prefer strawberry

My blog title is due to my jelly.

Get it?   Not just yet, but you will.. 

I wish i knew how to write.  I mean, other than the spelling part, cuz i got that down..   (caps and grammar too)

its just that i  have a couple of friends that vomit thought to paper.. seemlessly, effortlessly,and  annoyingly ohso well!  ... Whatever the fuck. It happens and i'm jealous.  I've never told them as much.. but its true.

I wish i knew how to write like that.

Why do I gravitate to people who rule?  It sucks so much for me to see them so effortlessly put their words visible. Their good words, words better than what I could ever come up with.

If they ever tell me that they just write and post minus review and editing..  I will kill myself.  I mean, seriously..  

Thats just too good to be natural... 

I read certain lines written and repeat them to myself... OMFG!

Brilliance!

Whatever the fuck.. im more present than I am permanent.. im quick to give a snarky response or a quick joke.. its true.. Jeopardy challenge me on art or poetry, i dare you.

I will win.  No one can outschool me on the likes of Whitman, Gogh, Nerudo, Hughes, Davis, Breton, Vandross, etc, etc.. 

But on original thought.. and prose.. and something said that will last a lifetime..  I bow before you.

You can write really gud.

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